Author Archives: Tony W

About Tony W

Tony Wiederhold is is the founder of Indy Community Yoga, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit, which supports community well-bring by hosting free meditation and yoga practices in public spaces and by organizing community care projects to make it easier for people to reduce harm.

April 30, 2022

47 years ago today, my mom told herself that she’d leave her home country for two weeks, tops. As it turns out, that day marked the end of 29 years of destruction in Viet Nam bankrolled by the American taxpayer, meted first by French teenagers then by American teenagers using bullets, land mines, fire, terror, torture, and barrels of carcinogenic Agent Orange that killed forests, crops, and crippled and killed both Vietnamese and American children in utero. The teenagers, many of whom never left Viet Nam, either mentally or physically, were just following the orders of the psychopaths in the US government who didn’t care about the actual effects of their brutality. Many of those psychopaths, like Henry Kissinger and JFK, are today hailed as respectable people. Heroes, even. People dislike Nixon more for Watergate than for his wanton cruelty in Viet Nam.

Wars never end for those who smelled it and tasted it. You assimilate the war and pass it on to your children one way or another.

These are the things we must Never Forget. If we are serious about collective peace on Earth, we must have the courage to stare our collective brutality in the face, own its effects, and transform it.

What do you remember about the wars in Vietnam and how it affected your life?

Happy Year of The Tiger. Care Courageously.

Happy and Delightful Lunar New Year! May you have the courage of a tiger, stand up for yourself, and stand up for other people.

In the word courage is the word French word “cour”, which means “heart”. It’s an ancestor of the English word “core”. Courage comes from the heart. Care is in both your heart and mine. When you allow this care to flow naturally, acting out of care for our boundless community becomes natural, no matter what the obstacles.

It’s easier to be courageous together. This is the power of the sangha, the community. When we sit together, walk together, and work together, we encourage each other. This creates conditions for joy and peace in all of our lives. This is Community Care. Let us know how we can support you to act with care for the health and well being of others.

Here is a great list of 22 courageous things you can practice by Vu Le at Nonprofit AF:https://nonprofitaf.com/2022/01/22-courageous-things-you-can-do-during-the-year-of-the-tiger/

Learn more about Vietnamese Tết traditions here. We say Lunar New Year to include all cultures that celebrate it:https://www.instagram.com/p/CY62OAiFCqB/

Honoring The Life Of The Courageous Thích Nhất Hạnh This Week

Thich Nhat Hanh was in New York in 1982 to lead a meditation and mindfulness retreat, and together everyone on the retreat joined the march. L to R: Lewis Richmond, Richard Baker Roshi, and Thich Nhat Hanh. Several years later, Thich Nhat Hanh reflected, “There was a lot of anger in the peace movement. We should not walk “for” peace. We should “be” peace as we walk.” Photo and caption used with permission from plumvillage.org.

We honor the life of the courageous Vietnamese Zen Master Thích Nhất Hạnh this week in our meditation practices at Indy Community Yoga. He passed away at midnight, January 22, 2022 at his home temple, Từ Hiếu, in Huế, Vietnam at the age of 95. Our readings after our weekday meditation practices (7am and 4:30pm ET Monday-Friday) will come from “Fragrant Palm Leaves”, selections from his journals from his time in the US from 1962-1966. This past Sunday, we began practice by listening to a recording of a chanting of his 2014 reinterpretation of the Heart Sutra.

When he arrived in the US in 1962 as a visiting scholar, he was 35 years old. He had already survived life as a French colonial subject in his own country, Japanese occupation during the Second World War, the successful repulsion of France’s 8-year attempt to recolonize Vietnam by force, the US-led partitioning of Vietnam into North and South in 1954, and the brutality of the US-installed and -backed dictator of South Vietnam. When the US sent ground troops in 1965, he was not shy about telling the architects of the war in the Cabinet and the Senate of the cruel and self-defeating effects of their careless policies on the rural Vietnamese population. This, as well as his friendship with Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., led to his denouncement by American media, being watched by the CIA, and being barred re-entry into South Vietnam. This exile would continue beyond the Communist victory in 1975, for 39 years total. He stayed in France during this period, where he and his friends established Plum Village and a few affilate centers in the US. He was allowed to return to Vietnam for the first time in 2005.

He pioneered the introduction and adaptation of Buddhist mindfulness teachings to European and American audiences. He knew that if people could face what is true and see their connections to everything around them, they would stop doing things that harm others. He devoted his life to making Buddhism accessible to people. We practice meditation and community care in our sangha with this same spirit, this same hope. I hope we get to sit together soon.

Thích Nhất Hạnh and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. at a joint press conference on 31 May 1966 in Chicago. Neither a transcript nor a recording exists. Only this photo and a joint statement.
Used with permission from Plum Village

Which is better?

“Which is better?” she asked. The lady behind the counter had just explained to her the difference between the two types of long, flaky quesita pastries beautifully stacked in the case: one was filled with cream cheese and the other was filled with cream cheese and guava. I heard this question a lot in places where food was on offer. The other day, a fellow diner I never met before asked me this question about the food at a restaurant I myself was eating at for the first time. Reflecting on my own experiences of feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed by indecision with people waiting on ME to just pick something ffs and both sensing and imagining their frustration, anger, and disappointment growing, I remember trying to avoid not just an unpleasant sensory experience, but also the unpleasantness of having been “wrong” and the unpleasantness of missing out on heavenly delight, all interacting with the need to escape the present moment unpleasantness. I’ve spent a lot of my one wild and precious life* attempting to optimize my eating experiences to avoid those sorts of situations.

“Which is better?” is really asking “What will I like more?” Consider that for a moment. I’ve found that it’s hard enough for me, who has lived as me my entire life, with memories of things I don’t like and like — and I think the memories of moments of displeasure are easier to recall — to correctly anticipate that. How can someone I just met have any chance? I guess if someone else decides for you, you can fool yourself into thinking that you didn’t make a choice and therefore didn’t choose wrong. “What do you recommend?” is also fraught. The person might respond with what they actually like, or, if they have incentive to do so, what they want you to choose for their benefit. “What do you like?” opens the door for the follow up question: “What do you like about it?”, which can help you prognosticate.

Not knowing can be fun, though. Surprise is an essential ingredient of delight. Delight is like enlightenment. Chasing it guarantees that you’ll never catch it. Being ok with not knowing is the key to understanding. It also deprioritizes the chase for pleasant experiences and the avoidance of unpleasant experiences, which elevates priorities like harm reduction and leaving a light footprint.

The other day, I considered what it would be like to aim for forgettable meals instead of amazing. That is, eat food that is nourishing, leaves me feeling light after I eat it, and is easy to obtain. This is what we aim for when we prepare food for our meditation retreats. We take great care to provide food that will nourish everyone and support practice. Too often, especially when traveling, I eat too much and eat heavy foods that leave me feeling too full, and full of regret, wishing I had chosen smaller portions or lighter things. When I try to remember what I ate, I don’t remember much. Maybe most of my meals are actually forgettable, whether amazing or terrible. Knowing that, it would be wise to aim for nourishing and effort-efficient. Maybe this is a wise aim for all choices.

*Thanks to Mary Oliver and the grasshopper.

Heart Sutra, Prajna Paramita

Version 3 – The Great Prajna Paramita Heart Sutra, translated by Tony Nguyễn Wiederhold

Note: Prajna Paramita is the practice (paramita) of prajna, staying in contact with those things that arise before (pra-) concept (jnanam), in other words, what you are actually sensing and feeling and how those relate to your concepts and views. This version builds on Version 2. All changes are in the first sentence. I added “who hears the cries of the world”, the more typical moniker for Avalokitesvara in East Asia, to emphasize this practice of non-ignorance, of turning towards suffering. The words “skandha” and “empty” are unfamiliar to most people who don’t closely study Buddhist teachings, so I’ve replaced skandhas with the definition “aspects of sentient beings”. I changed “are equally empty” to “arise from many conditions”, which is an aspect of emptiness that is repeated later in the sutra. This is an attempt to avoid the impressions left by the conventional usage of “empty” in contemporary English, including the negative connotation and sense of nonexistence of the object that is empty. At the time the Heart Sutra was written down, people who understood emptiness, Tài Xū (太虚), in a Taoist context might have had a positive connotation from the concept of the Grand Void being limitless potentiality, the source of everything.

***

The Bodhisattva of Ease and Refuge, who hears the cries of the world, when practicing deeply prajna paramita, realizes that all five aspects of sentient beings arise from many conditions and immediately moves beyond all forms of grief and cruelty.

Shariputra, form is not different from emptiness. Emptiness is not different from form.
That which is form is emptiness. That which is emptiness, form.
The same is true of feeling, perception, impression, and discrimination.

Shariputra, all phenomena are marked with emptiness.
They do not appear out of nothing or disappear into nothingness, are not tainted or pure, and do not increase or decrease. Therefore, in emptiness, no form, no feeling, perception, impression, or discrimination.

No eyes, no ears, no nose, no tongue, no body, no mind.
No color, no sound, no smell, no taste, no touch, no object of mind.
No realm of eyes and so forth until no realm of mind discrimination.
No ignorance and also no extinction of it and so forth until no old age and death and also no extinction of them.

No Suffering, no Origination, no Stopping, no Path.
No knowledge, and also no attainment with nothing to attain.

The Bodhisattva practices prajna paramita and the heart has no hindrance.
Without any hindrance, no fears exist.
Far apart from every distorted view, one dwells in Nirvana.

In all times, all Buddhas depend on prajna paramita and attain that which is unsurpassable: Collective Enlightenment.

Therefore, know that prajna paramita is the great transcendent mantra,
is the great, bright mantra,
is the utmost mantra,
is the supreme mantra that is able to relieve all suffering and is true, not false.

So proclaim the prajna paramita mantra. Proclaim the mantra that says:

Gate gate paragate parasamgate. Bodhi. Svaha!
Gate gate paragate parasamgate. Bodhi. Svaha!
Gate gate paragate parasamgate. Bodhi. Svaha!

(Gone, gone, really gone, altogether gone. Enlightenment. Aha!)

Version 2 – The Great Prajna Paramita Heart Sutra, translated by Tony Nguyễn Wiederhold

Note: this version builds on Version 1 and incorporates elements from my translation of Tâm Kinh Bát Nhã, Việt Văn from Tam Bảo Meditation Center in Baton Rouge, LA.

***

The Bodhisattva of Ease and Refuge, when practicing deeply prajna paramita, realizes that all five skandhas are equally empty and immediately moves beyond all forms of grief and cruelty.

Shariputra, form is not different from emptiness. Emptiness is not different from form.
That which is form is emptiness. That which is emptiness, form.
The same is true of feeling, perception, impression, and discrimination.

Shariputra, all phenomena are marked with emptiness.
They do not appear out of nothing or disappear into nothingness, are not tainted or pure, and do not increase or decrease. Therefore, in emptiness, no form, no feeling, perception, impression, or discrimination.

No eyes, no ears, no nose, no tongue, no body, no mind.
No color, no sound, no smell, no taste, no touch, no object of mind.
No realm of eyes and so forth until no realm of mind discrimination.
No ignorance and also no extinction of it and so forth until no old age and death and also no extinction of them.

No Suffering, no Origination, no Stopping, no Path.
No knowledge, and also no attainment with nothing to attain.

The Bodhisattva practices prajna paramita and the heart has no hindrance.
Without any hindrance, no fears exist.
Far apart from every distorted view, one dwells in Nirvana.

In all times, all Buddhas depend on prajna paramita and attain that which is unsurpassable: Collective Enlightenment.

Therefore, know that prajna paramita is the great transcendent mantra,
is the great, bright mantra,
is the utmost mantra,
is the supreme mantra that is able to relieve all suffering and is true, not false.

So proclaim the prajna paramita mantra. Proclaim the mantra that says:

Gate gate paragate parasamgate. Bodhi. Svaha!
Gate gate paragate parasamgate. Bodhi. Svaha!
Gate gate paragate parasamgate. Bodhi. Svaha!

(Gone, gone, really gone, altogether gone. Enlightenment. Aha!)

Version 1 – The Great Prajna Paramita Heart Sutra

Note: I’ve replaced some of the words found in other English versions of this sutra with words that seem more accurate to me based on 1) what I have found through zazen practice (you can read my brief reflections on both prajna and pranja paramita here) and 2) sanskrit definitions and etymology for the five skandhas and also words often left untranslated in English versions. The English version from which I’ve started is that of the Kwan Um School of Zen, which was translated from Korean. The Korean version probably came from a Chinese version at some point. I started from this version because it’s the first version I studied carefully, the version I encountered at the Indianapolis Zen Center in 2018 that coincided with the incorporation of regular community meditation practice into my life.

***

Avalokiteshvara Bodhisattva, when practicing deeply prajna paramita, perceives that all five skandhas are empty and is saved from all suffering and distress.

Shariputra, form does not differ from emptiness. Emptiness does not differ from form.
That which is form is emptiness. That which is emptiness, form.
The same is true of feeling, perception, impression, and discrimination.

Shariputra, all phenomena are marked with emptiness.
They do not appear out of nothing or disappear into nothingness, are not tainted or pure, and do not increase or decrease. Therefore, in emptiness, no form, no feeling, perception, impression, or discrimination.

No eyes, no ears, no nose, no tongue, no body, no mind.
No color, no sound, no smell, no taste, no touch, no object of mind.
No realm of eyes and so forth until no realm of mind discrimination.
No ignorance and also no extinction of it and so forth until no old age and death and also no extinction of them.

No suffering, no origination, no stopping, no path.
No knowledge, and also no attainment with nothing to attain.

The Bodhisattva depends on prajna paramita and the mind is no hindrance.
Without any hindrance, no fears exist.
Far apart from every distorted view, one dwells in Nirvana.

In all times, all Buddhas depend on prajna paramita and attain that which is unsurpassable: Collective Enlightenment.

Therefore, know that prajna paramita is the great transcendent mantra,
is the great, bright mantra,
is the utmost mantra,
is the supreme mantra that is able to relieve all suffering and is true, not false.

So proclaim the prajna paramita mantra. Proclaim the mantra that says:

Gate gate paragate parasamgate. Bodhi. Svaha!
Gate gate paragate parasamgate. Bodhi. Svaha!
Gate gate paragate parasamgate. Bodhi. Svaha!

(Gone, gone, really gone, altogether gone. Enlightenment. Aha!)

Father’s Day for A Love Child

For all of you who have feelings around Father’s Day that you might feel reluctant to post on social media, or those of you who feel obligation to feel (or only feel) both love or like for a father (biological or otherwise), or those of you whose fathers were absent, I feel you and I see you. I am also really happy for those of you who feel a lot of affection for your dads and like being around them, as well as those of you who are father figures and are doing your best to nurture your children.

I had a dad and a bio-dad. They were humans. They are both a part of me. I like some of that. I don’t like some of that. I know that neither of them asked for the role initially. (No one did, actually.) Both were well into middle age when I came along at 50 and 44, respectively, with children whose mothers were not mine. Both eventually came to like the idea of being a father to me. Dad embraced it as much as he could and loved me and supported me in a way that was, in hindsight and with full knowledge of things I wasn’t aware of until my mid 20’s, extraordinary. Bio-dad was around when I was little, but when his wife and six children arrived from Vietnam, things got… complicated. The other day, I read his obituary for the first time and saw pictures of him with his real family. It was jarring. I like to think that both dad and bio-dad did the best that they could.

Hoàn cảnh is a phrase my mother uses a lot that to me refers to something like “cosmically tragic extenuating circumstances,” or the fact that the conditions aren’t there for something more pleasant. Sadness is there. There’s also a sense that there’s nothing that can be done about it, or that if one could choose a different path, taking action despite (against?) hoàn cảnh creates something worse. This sad situation is the happiest possible one. What a word.

I have a sense of compassion for both of them. They both endured many hardships and circumstances that I will never really know about except through understanding the historical context, the hoàn cảnh, of their lives. They’re both gone — dad in 2006 and bio-dad in 2019 — and along with them their stories. What I know of their lives is less knowledge and more imagination and perhaps even speculation. What few stories of theirs I do remember have amalgamated in my skull with pieces of other people’s ideas of who they were and the effects of both their presence and absence in my life. They are less real people and more deep impressions in my soul that manifest as feelings and impulses in different situations.

Contemplating all of this helps me to be more aware of the effects I have on other people. Each of us leaves imprints on people. The closer the person is, the deeper the imprint. You can’t not leave an imprint, so make it a loving, healing embrace. This is how the five skandhas are helpful: form, feeling, perception, impression, discernment. They are windows into every dharma, or circumstance, or hoàn cảnh.

The Three Root Guidances (AKA The Three Pure Precepts) – Sound Spiritual Advice on Harm and Healing

The date on the Instagram post shows July 1, 2018. It had been ten years since my mom and I had been back to Chùa Quang Minh in Chicago and at least twenty since we attended regularly. I don’t remember when the word Phật (the Vietnamese word for Buddha) entered my consciousness, but this place was a part of that. I still have my copy of The Story of the Buddha that the head monk at the temple gave me when I was about 10 years old.

I just plugged Quang Minh into Google Translate to see what it means in English. Google says clarity. How appropriate!

My mom had found her dearest temple friend in the kitchen. I had just finished exchanging eagle pose for some other arm movements with one of the elder nuns. The temple was packed between services everywhere but the Buddha Hall. I slipped off my shoes, offered incense and greetings to the Buddha and bodhisattvas, and sat in the back to be by myself for a minute after a three hour drive from my mom’s house. Everything in the hall — the carpet, perfume of sandalwood incense, the colors, the lyrical conversation and laughter wafting in, the discomfort in my knees — rhymed with my memories, everything except some text close to the ceiling.

You know the old saying, “When the student is ready, the teacher appears?” I got it in that moment. Here’s another saying: “You’re either ready, or you’re getting ready.” That one is from an affable Gujarati Swami named Swami Pratybodhananda who I had the good fortune of meeting at an ashram in the Poconos a few years back. I learned recently that he passed away. Had I not encountered him in 2013, I’m not sure I would have been ready for this.

I learned later that these words above the statues are verse 183 of the Dhammapada, one of the earliest Buddhist texts, and they are referred to as the Three Pure Precepts. These were written in both Vietnamese and English in the Buddha Hall, as you can see in the picture. Click to hear this verse chanted in Pali by someone who knows how.

The English reads: “Not to do any evil, to cultivate good, to purify one’s mind. this is the Teaching of the Buddha.”

This English translation is a pretty common translation of the original Pali. I found it lacking. What is evil? What is good? What are good and bad but what you like and don’t like? That question is what got me ready to learn the lesson of this particular day. Swami Pratyabodhananda, at a retreat he was teaching that I attended in 2013, said that sentence in passing, in the middle of a lecture on… I can’t remember. Perhaps some paragraph of the Bhagavad Gita that he was unfolding for us at that retreat. That sentence was one of the most important lessons I’ve ever learned, a lesson I neither sought nor expected, sort of like the lesson I learned reading the text over the statues. When he said those words, I realized that saying that something is good or bad, or better or worse, or best or worst, is not true. It’s not Right Speech. When I say that something is good, I am attributing goodness to the object, but the object is just the object. What is true is that I like it, or more accurately, I like something about it, or them, and I’m neither acknowledging nor owning the feeling. I immediately began an exercise that I still do today. Anytime I catch myself using good or bad, or equivalent words, I stop and rewrite the speech in terms of like and dislike, which has a funny way of rewriting the thought, which has a funny effect of changing my thinking. For example, “That food was good.” becomes “I liked the food.” which can become something like “The tortillas were piping hot, the filling was a little bit bland, but what I liked most was enjoying it with my friends.” “He’s a bad guy.” becomes “I don’t like him.” which becomes “He makes me nervous for some reason.” which can lead all sorts of places. The feeling of like or dislike is a window. When I own and acknowledge my feelings, I can see what’s underneath. When I think that something or someone is good or bad, it’s their fault, and I learn nothing. Anyway, years of practicing that created an important condition that kept my eyes on those words and initiated the contemplation of those words, including the Vietnamese.

The Vietnamese felt more true and precise: Tránh làm các việc ác. Gắng làm các việc lành. Giữ tâm ý trong sạch. Ấy lời chư Phật dạy.

Reading this was mind-opening to me. Vietnamese is the language I use with my mom. I can hear the bitterness of her pained voice using the word ác to describe someone she felt was deliberately making her miserable. Contrast this with the word evil, which I associate with cartoon villains and cartoonish men vilifying people they don’t like. When I hear the word lành, I feel new skin growing over a cut. When I hear sạch, I see a freshly swept floor in a tidy room. My interpretation of the Vietnamese is: “Avoid doing all cruel actions. Strive to do all acts of healing. Keep your mind clean. These words are what the Buddhas teach.” The first part gave meaning to the word evil by equating evil with cruelty, the motive behind violent action, action intended to harm. If I can stop deliberately hurting those around me, the world around me benefits. Hurt people hurt people. Refraining from deliberately hurting people is an act of mercy and compassion that saves people beyond by interrupting a chain of harmful action. The second part gave meaning to the word good by equating it with healing. By addressing my own wounds, I am less likely to want to hurt other people. I’ve experienced the pleasure that comes from getting people back for hurting me. It feels good in the moment, but it also easily escalates and perpetuates further harm, destroys relationships, and takes root. The third part, I didn’t give much thought to. Clean of what? Over the next couple of years, contemplating it off and on, an answer came: keep my mind clean of ill will and willful ignorance. This means seeing those when they arise, and seeing the conditions that allow them to arise. I don’t know if my interpretation is THE answer, but it is an answer that helps me. Maybe that’s why these precepts were written the way they were, to give a person something to reflect on in the context of their own life.

Here is how I’ve chosen to represent these guidances. Why “Root Guidances” and not “Pure Precepts?” Regarding root vs. pure, every other teaching that I’ve found important connects with these guidances, so root is the word that comes to mind. As for pure, the word conjures standards of purity that have justified harmful actions against people, so ironically, the word pure and purity gives me yucky feelings. As far as guidances vs. precepts, I don’t look at these as rules to be followed in a framework of reward and punishment. Rather, these guidances form the basis of sound spiritual advice that have helped me to navigate conflict, love the people around me, build trust (what is trust but a state where the the idea of someone doing you harm doesn’t even enter your mind), and enable me to do really fulfilling and meaningful work in community with other people. There’s something to be said for doing things out of consideration for the well being of the community rather than doing something because the law says so.

  1. Stop myself from deliberately harming both others and myself. I’ve learned that, as a human, I harm others accidentally all the time through misunderstanding, poor word choice, bad timing, and bad luck. That is enough to work through. Add onto that the suffering I create for both myself and others when I hurt people on purpose (for example by pushing their insecurity buttons, or making people feel embarrassed or humiliated) and I can quickly find myself in a world of hurt. The violent thoughts, words, and actions directed at myself has similar harmful effects. Hurting yourself or others is basically shooting yourself in the foot.
  2. Take every opportunity acknowledge harm and the conditions that create harm that I encounter and create conditions for harm reduction and healing. I’ve found that this is especially powerful when I am the source of harm, whether deliberate or accidental. I’ve also found that framing decisions around a consideration of harmful effects and harm-reducing and healing effects has a clarifying power. Who benefits and who bears the cost? It’s true that hurt people hurt people. The antidote to that is to help people help people. You can claim this superpower and multiply the effects by inviting others to join. Heal yourself and #1 gets a lot easier. I’ve found that compassion arises when I can see the wounds that lead to cruelty in others. I can see those wounds more clearly when I am not blinded by my own pain. Help others and make it easier for them to help other people, and you can see how that can have a big, beneficial effect for everyone. See Three Acts of Healing below.
  3. Face ill will and willful ignorance as they arise. When I see them, they lose a lot of their power and I can release them, or at least mitigate their harmful effects. This is another reason why community is so important. Friends can help you with your blind spots.

Three Acts of Healing

These are lessons I learned the hard way. Not doing them throughout the course of my life cost me friendships. There comes a point where wounds are too old and too deep for a full reconciliation. The right time to deploy these is ASAP.

  1. Acknowledge harm that your views, thoughts, speech, action, and livelihood cause, have caused, and will cause.
  2. Apologize to the harmed for your views, thoughts, speech, action, and livelihood that led to harm.
  3. Atone for the harm done in a way that is satisfactory to the harmed.

A Response To My Childhood Friend Scott’s Facebook Post on Anti-Asian Hate Crimes

A friend from many lifetimes ago tagged me in a post he wrote about his feelings towards recent violence against Asian peoples in the US. My response is too long for Facebook comments, so here it is.

Hi Scott. Thanks for sharing your stories. It’s nice to hear from you. I think the last time we saw each other was near the Sample Gates in 1998 or so, right after you transferred from Albion (?). I have some fond memories from the Edgewood days. The recent racist violence against Asian American peoples actually made me think about elementary school. I certainly had kind teachers there like Mrs. Ward, Mrs. Seip, Mrs. Potts, Ms. (fourth grade teacher whose name I can’t remember), and Ms. Corwin, teachers who challenged me to grow. I also remember teachers who made me feel small and foreign, un-American as a teacher at Rogers once called me, like I was a foreigner despite being born in the same hospital as their own kids, like being a foreigner is enough to make one deserving of contempt. I imagine I had to grapple with things that a lot of white kids never have to experience, such as answering the “Where are you from?/Where are you REALLY from?” question starting at age 4. Chances are, they don’t have a teacher in elementary school cackle with delight and call their mom a “war bride” and insinuate that she is some kind of prostitute (and insinuating that prostitutes are worthy of contempt), or have people make ridiculous sounds to make fun of their mother tongues, or have a doctor ask you in front of your mom and dad, “How did you get to be so articulate?” It’s very confusing growing up as an Asian kid in this country, especially one whose parents didn’t have access to education beyond primary school and endured deep, lifelong traumas. It’s confusing growing up having one’s ethnicity and class lumped in and homogenized with a bunch of vastly different ones. (BTW, I winced a little when I read how you describe Minh as Chinese/Asian. I don’t know him well and maybe he thinks of himself as Chinese, but his name gives him away as Chinese Vietnamese. Chinese Vietnamese people have a very different history than Chinese people who grew up in mainland China or in other countries. I wonder how much of his story and his parents’ story you know. If his parents came as refugees in 1975, like mine, then like my mom and bio-dad, they survived three wars before coming here, two funded by the American Taxpayer.) I learned from the people around me to be deeply ashamed of who I was, yet at the same time I experienced all of the model minority BS. It wasn’t until years later that I saw the connection between the Model Minority and Anti-Blackness. I write all this to make a point: the anti-Asian racism many people are just now noticing is not new. It has been part of US culture for nearly 200 years and is intertwined with much older anti-Black racism and systems that extract and concentrate wealth and power. What is different is that more people are acting on it, are cheered on by people on Twitter, have easy access to weapons that make harming people easy, and more people are witnesses now.

You write that you’ll never understand how people could attack anyone else (on the basis of race.) You’re not the only person I know who feels this way. Perhaps no one has ever slashed your wages or shut down your plant and blamed it on either immigrants or China (to deflect from their own profiteering). You probably don’t have the shame or religious motivations of the Atlanta killer. Further, the standard history curriculum that we went through in school is a tidy mythology centered around warfare where American (Anglo Saxon colonists) are always the heroes. We’re taught about the Pilgrims landing on Plymouth Rock to escape religious persecution and make friends with the Indians (the first time a group of diverse nationalities is presented to us as a uniform blob), the Revolutionary War (150 years later) and gaining independence from our British overlords, whose main offense is often presented as unfairly taxing us, the Civil War (4 score and 7 years later), where Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves from those glamorous and classy plantations, the USA charging in to save Europe from the Germans in World War I (53 years later), the Japanese bombing Pearl Harbor (December 7, memorialized as a holiday), the USA charging in to save Europe, part 2 (this time, with Nazis), nuking Japan, a paragraph on the Korean war and two paragraphs on the Vietnam Conflict (conflict because it wasn’t a declared war, but both were justified because Communism). When we were kids, the Berlin Wall came down, then the Soviet Union, and the Desert Storm in Iraq. Back then, in the 80s, the Japanese were “buying up America” and were blamed for the downfall of US industry as the Chinese are today. Nothing is taught about the interaction of how people and land were exploited and who was doing the exploiting. Nothing is taught about the conditions that led to these events. Nothing is taught about actions the US has taken that were morally reprehensible, or even questionable. This is deliberate.

It has pretty much been ok to exploit and harm Asian peoples throughout American history. Chinese men, refugees from the British Opium Wars (where Britain used force to keep the opium trade alive against Chinese efforts), built the transcontinental railroad, but were forced to live in ghettos (Chinatown), subject to all kinds of abuse and harassment, and were not allowed to bring or start families, become citizens, or appear in court to take legal action against people who committed crimes against them. This was happening at the same time as white plantation owners and traders were buying and selling Black people in chattel slavery like cattle, and the US Army was forcibly relocating and exterminating Native people. In current times, American companies have outsourced all kinds of manufacturing to Chinese companies to exploit lax labor and environmental protections in the name of profit and shareholder value. Then of course, there are Second World War atrocities of the nuclear attacks on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, the firebombing of Tokyo, and the forced imprisonment of Japanese Americans and seizure of their land and assets. In the 1950’s, there was the US funded the French War in Vietnam in a failed attempt to reestablish their colony, the US interruption of the free election after the war and the installation of the despot Ngo Dinh Diem in South Vietnam. Also in the 50’s was the US/UK led coup overthrowing the democratically elected PM of Iran (for nationalizing its oil industry) and installing the oil company-friendly Shah of Iran, who was overthrown in 1979. In 1965, the US supported right wing mass killings of anti-colonialists in Indonesia. The US war in Vietnam that was started under false pretenses (Gulf of Tonkin) in 1963 and ended with hasty withdrawal in 1975. Within that were Agent Orange, My Lai, and countless atrocities that resulted in millions dead in Vietnam, and millions more in Cambodia and Laos. We still feel the effects of this war in my family, as do all descendants of refugees. The US dropped three times more bombs in Vietnam than were dropped in the entire Second World War. The US war in Vietnam was the longest US war until it was surpassed by the current wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, now nearly 20 years old. So you see, Americans have never had a problem with obliterating Asian people in Asia or exploiting them here or there, and wasting the lives of young Americans from mostly poor families in the process.

It is impossible to disentangle racism, immigration policy, and voting rights. Who gets to vote gets to make the laws. The Page Act of 1875 is the first law that attempted to curtail immigration of any group. This law effectively banned the immigration of Chinese women into the US by means of legalized fondling at the border and denial of entry. The US government characterized Chinese women as promiscuous and as prostitutes. This has been perpetuated in how Asian women have been depicted ever since. A reason for passing this law was so that Chinese railroad workers wouldn’t settle in the US. There is a straight line between this law and how certain nameless Edgewood teachers thought of and described my mother, and the guy who shot and killed 8 people in Atlanta, including 6 Asian women; the killer claimed to be motivated by his sex addiction.

I invite you to read about the Page Act, but also the Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882, which banned all Chinese immigration to the US and was the first law that explicitly restricted immigration into the US, the Immigration Act of 1924, which limited pretty much everyone but Northern and Western non-Jewish Europeans from immigrating until it was repealed in 1965. It also introduced the first visa requirements for entry and played a role in the holocaust by being used as a reason to turn away shiploads of Jewish refugees from the Third Reich. You might see how this rhymes with current attitudes towards immigration. You might also read about how people became citizens before 1924. Basically, from 1795 until 1924, if you were white and lived in the country for 5 years and could get two people to vouch for you, you became a citizen with full voting rights. Remember that the next time you year some (usually white) person say that their ancestors came here “the right way.” Before 1924, if you were white, you could literally be a stowaway on a boat, melt into society, and gain full citizenship 5 years later. There was no line to wait in. You might also be interested in learning about US involvement in Vietnam. Ken Burns and Lynn Novick’s The Vietnam War is excellent. A shorter piece on the last month of the war called The Last Days In Vietnam by Rory Kennedy is also excellent. It was the first documentary about the Vietnam War that represented so many characters from my life. If you’re a reader and into historical context, try The Best And The Brightest by David Halberstam. Also, read contemporary takes by Asian American writers. This is an awesome and hilarious video by Ronny Chieng of the Daily Show that totally exposes casual racism against Asian people. Here are pieces by Anne Cheng and Ly Tran about their experiences with the racist sexualization of Asian women and one from Viet Thanh Nguyen about the relationship between US Colonialism and Anti-China policy, and anti-Asian racist action.

I think you will quickly realize that what is happening isn’t surprising at all. What can you do? Call out racism as you see it happening, in yourself and the people around you. Stand up for people. Give a lot of money and time to groups fighting exploitation of BIPOC people, like pivotnetwork.org, raicestexas.org, your local BLM chapter, etc. Support political candidates advocating for BIPOC rights and for programs that make people less desperate. Racism is protected and incentivized. It doesn’t need to be.

I hope you and yours stay well. I hope your son learns his family’s stories. Thanks for writing. See you around.

Tony

We didn’t know how bad COVID would be in March 2020, but our leaders knew in January and hid it from us.

I’m starting to see a lot of “we didn’t know that this would be the last time” posts and even wrote one myself. It’s important to remember, though, that US public officials knew by late January 2020 how contagious and deadly the virus was, concealed the truth, and in some cases made a lot of money.

We, the people, pay the price. We’re still paying the price. Over a half a million of us in the US have died. The same people who deliberately misled the public then are still doing it today. They get rich and leave the public desperate. Most are Republicans, but you can count on one hand the number of real Left politicians among the Democrats.

I don’t know how we get people in office who aren’t interested in becoming rich beyond the dreams of avarice. It would be interesting to see the net worths of all of the people who voted against the minimum wage increase and the relief checks. Something tells me they don’t miss many meals, have everything on autopay without thinking about it, and are proud of how little they pay in taxes. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that they have embarrassments of riches, but think they don’t have enough. Pitiable, except that they continue to perpetuate harms through their decisions, which shape our world. What’s really sad is that they could be using those same powers to provide housing, food, and healthcare and mobilize people to strengthen communities. Buddha says that everyone is capable of waking up, to realizing that they have the power to mitigate and repair harm done and refrain from creating more harmful effects. It’s hard to imagine that happening in the halls of power without some major changes to remove financial conflicts of interest and to mitigate corporate influence. Change comes through mass political action.

I don’t know what to do about this beyond griping on the Internet. Let me know if you have ideas. I guess I’m hoping that you and I find some way to stand in solidarity with each other, keep each other, and put people in office who also give a damn about community well being and will do something to break this system we live in that is designed to keep people desperate.

Thanks for reading. You’re doing great. I’m proud of you and proud to know you.

A Simple Mindfulness Meditation

Breathing in, this is breathing in.
Letting go, this is breathing out.

Breathing in, these are sensations in my body.
Letting go, these are sensations in my body.

Breathing in, this is how I feel.
Letting go, this is how I feel.

Breathing in, these are the stories I hold.
Letting go, these are the stories I hold.

Breathing in, this is breathing in.
Letting go, this is breathing out.

You can use these mantras to look deeply into anything you are experiencing by noticing the sensations, feelings, and stories that are woven into it. I’ve found that the words of the mantras fall away when I practice with them. What remains is what those words represent. When practicing, if you feel yourself grasping at the words, see what effects you notice when you allow that grasping to soften.

You’re doing great!

More about breathing:

You might notice that breathing in involves a little bit of exertion. Breathe in right now and notice the sensations just below your ribcage. Keep breathing in until the very top of your breath, then let go and let the breath return to the air. You can even hold at the top for a couple of heartbeats. Notice that breathing out is just letting go. I usually always breath in through my nose while sitting, but breath out through either my nose or mouth.

When you breath in, you’re squeezing a muscle called the diaphragm. It’s a sheet that separates your chest from your abdomen. When you squeeze it, it expands your lungs. The pressure in the lungs lowers and the air from the outside fills them to equalize the pressure. When you let go of that contraction, the lungs rebound and breath returns to the air. You might notice from time to time that you are squeezing muscles without realizing it. When you notice that, see what happens when you allow them to soften. You can even let that tension leave your body on your exhales.